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Can You Freely Talk About Sex With Your Spouse?

Good sex starts with good conversation. If you can't talk about it, you probably can't do it well.

Yes/No: We freely discuss sex (what we like and dislike) with one another in a way that improves our experience.

Why Does This Issue Matter?

If you can't talk about it, you can't improve it. And no one is naturally good at sex. Good sex (over a lifetime, not just a single encounter) requires good communication. While anyone can accidentally stumble into one good experience, no one can have consistently good sex over every season of life without robust communication. Not only does good communication improve the sexual experience, the ability to talk about sex shows the couple has the trust and respect necessary for meaningful vunerability. So not only does good communication improve your sex life, the ability to have those conversations means you already have the other ingriendents necessary for great sex. If you can't talk about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

What If You Said Yes (a 4 or 5 on the assessment)?

With other statements, even an answer of 4 on the assessment might give me pause. It shows the couple has something to work on. But on this question, either 4 or 5 are great answers. Some personalities will always struggle with aspects of embarassment regarding sex. Others who come from repressive family traditions might have similiar struggles. But when a couple can probably communicate regarding sex, it shows several great qualities about their relationship--trust, respect, value, honor, etc. If you can talk to your spouse about sex, use this skill to improve your sexual, emotional, and physical connection. And model for others how to develop this skill.

What If You Said No (a 0 through 3 on the assessment)?

If you said no to the statement, you are not alone. Many couples never develop the ability to discuss sex. For most, the problem is an absence of trust and/or respect. If they will develop these two qualities, the conversation can begin to flow. Sex is such a vunerable topic, that many simply avoid the topic. Do not do this. Understand the importance of talking about sex. Also see the connection with other key elements of your relationship and your ability to have these conversations. Learning this skill is worth the effort. If you cannot figure this out on your own, get a coach or a counselor who can assist you with this process.

Related Resources:

Book: Friends, Partners & Lovers by Kevin A. Thompson

Book: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

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