In a world where technology and demands continually accelerate, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most: meaningful relationships. Our attention is constantly divided, and it's impacting marriages in ways we may not even realize.
The Problem with Hurry
Love thrives in an atmosphere of presence, but we live in a world that makes this difficult. Technology advances faster than we can keep up, and the expectation to stay connected with everything—work, news, social media—never stops. Amid this constant rush, our most intimate relationships suffer. Many couples find themselves generally okay but lacking the deep connection they once had. There’s no affair, addiction, or abuse, yet something feels amiss.
The missing element is time. The pace of life has accelerated, and tomorrow will inevitably be faster than today. But here's a truth that remains constant: love requires space. It needs quiet moments where two people can be present with each other, not just in proximity but in true connection.
The Human Need for Connection
At our core, we are designed for connection. Neuroscientist Dan Siegel identifies three basic emotional needs: agency, bonding, and clarity. When we lack these, it expresses itself in anger (absence of agency), fear (lack of clarity), and sadness (loss of bonding). Marriage is a primary source of fulfilling these needs, but it can't happen on the run. When life becomes too hurried, we risk missing out on the moments that truly connect us to one another.
Our constant state of hurriedness isn't just about being busy; it's about the mindset that everything we do must be efficient and productive. This mindset leaves little room for the "inefficient" acts of love, like eye contact, listening, or simply being together without distraction. These moments aren't time wasted; they are the very fabric that strengthens relationships.
Why Connection Cannot Happen in a Hurry
Think about charging your phone. You can’t just plug it in for a few seconds and expect a full charge. It requires time for the energy to flow and the battery to recharge. Our relationships are no different. True connection demands more than brief check-ins between tasks. It requires dedicated time to see, hear, and understand each other beyond surface-level interactions. Without this, feelings of being unseen, unloved, and misunderstood emerge.
Our hurried lives create a climate where affection struggles to grow. The less time we spend truly being present with our spouse, the more likely we are to experience disconnect. Yet, because there are no glaring issues, we often overlook the problem. We wonder why our relationship feels flat when, in reality, it’s because we haven’t taken the time to be still with each other.
Intentional Solutions for a Hurried Life
While completely slowing down life isn’t feasible for most of us, there are ways to intentionally create moments that foster connection. Here are three practical steps:
Prioritize Eye Contact
Eye contact is a simple yet powerful tool. When we look someone in the eye, it communicates respect, attention, and care. In today's world, we often find ourselves staring at screens more than each other, even in conversation. This subtle shift has made it easier to overlook the people we love. Practicing intentional eye contact with your spouse can rekindle intimacy and remind you both of your shared humanity. It’s a small habit that pays big dividends in making your partner feel valued and seen.
Calendar by Design, Not by Default
Too often, we allow the demands of life to dictate when and how we spend time with our loved ones. Instead of fitting our most important relationships into leftover slots, we should calendar by design. Schedule time for your spouse as intentionally as you would a work meeting or a child's soccer game. It doesn’t have to be extravagant—perhaps a walk together, a quiet dinner without phones, or even a shared morning coffee. The key is to prioritize these moments regularly.
Create "Off-Limits" Time
There must be moments when you are completely off-limits to the outside world. Turn off your phone, shut out work, and focus entirely on your partner. This signals to your spouse that they are more important than any other demand in your life. These off-limits times don't have to be long, but they should be consistent. Whether it’s a weekly “porch time” where you sit together without an agenda or a routine walk after dinner, find a way to carve out time that is sacred to your relationship.
The Power of Slowing Down
Our grandparents had the advantage of less hurry. The world moved at a slower pace, making time for connection more natural. In today’s world, we need to be more intentional about it. Vacations often provide this space, where we find ourselves spending extended time together, enjoying simple things like a view from a balcony. What if we brought this mindset into our everyday lives?
Meaningful connection isn’t just a luxury; it’s a necessity. By deliberately creating space to slow down, give our attention, and be present, we can transform the quality of our relationships. The hurriedness of life will always be there, but the depth of our connection is something we can choose to cultivate.
So, how will you create space for love today? It doesn’t require a life overhaul—just small, intentional moments that build intimacy and make all the difference. Let's embrace the idea that in order to love well, we must sometimes slow down and be still.
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