Understanding Your Love Style

You just took the Love Styles Assessment. Maybe your result surprised you. Maybe it explained things you’ve felt for years. Or, maybe it left you wanting clarity—“Okay… but what does this actually mean?”

That’s what this post is for.

Attachment Theory can feel complicated, but the heart of it is simple:

You were made for connection, and the way you learned to connect shapes every relationship you have today.

Scripture tells the same story. God created us for relationship—with Him and with one another.“So God created mankind in His own image…” (Gen. 1:27). God is relational, therefore we are relational.

But a relationship isn’t always easy. Fear, shame, old wounds, and broken patterns can shape how we love. That’s where Attachment Theory becomes such a powerful tool, especially for Christians who want to love well, grow spiritually, and build healthy marriages and families.

If you want to go deeper after this post, my book Love Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do (and How to Change It) will walk you step-by-step through your attachment pattern and how to change it.

👉 Get it on Amazon here.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment Theory helps explain how we learned to connect—or protect ourselves—from our earliest relationships. Before we had words, we had patterns. Before we had theology, we had nervous systems. And those early patterns didn’t disappear when we became adults.

They show up in:

• marriage

• dating

• parenting

• friendships

• conflict

• even our relationship with God

Attachment Theory describes four patterns people tend to use:

1. Secure

2. Anxious

3. Avoidant

4. Disorganized

Each pattern is not “good” or “bad.”They are simply learned ways of staying safe.

If you want the full, Christian-integrated explanation of each, it’s all in Love Styles.

But here’s a simple overview.

Secure Attachment: “I can be close and still be me.”

Secure people:

• trust that they are loved

• stay calm during conflict

• don’t fear closeness

• don’t fear space

• communicate clearly

• repair quickly

Secure attachment isn’t perfect—it’s steady.

From a Christian lens, secure attachment reflects what Jesus offers: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb. 13:5)

The good news? Secure attachment can be learned at any stage of life. You aren’t stuck.

Anxious Attachment: “Do you still want me?”

Anxious individuals deeply desire closeness. They feel emotions intensely and often fear being abandoned or not being enough.

Common patterns:

• replaying conversations

• overthinking silence

• trying to fix conflict immediately

• fear of disappointing others

• reading into small cues

In Scripture, this sounds like Martha—busy, overwhelmed, trying to earn approval (Luke 10).

The Gospel answers anxious attachment with God’s steady love: “Nothing can separate us from the love of God.” (Rom. 8:39)

Avoidant Attachment: “If I get too close, I might get hurt.”

Avoidant individuals value independence. They’re capable, strong, and often emotionally reserved. They fear being overwhelmed and may pull back when emotions get big.

Common patterns:

• shutting down in conflict

• keeping people at emotional distance

• not expressing needs

• “I’m fine” responses

• withdrawing to feel safe

In Scripture, Adam’s reaction after sin—hiding, distancing, avoiding—is a picture of avoidant attachment.

The Gospel invites avoidant hearts to connection: “Return to Me, for I have redeemed you.” (Isa. 44:22)

Disorganized Attachment: “I need you… but I don’t trust closeness.”

Disorganized attachment mixes both anxious and avoidant patterns. People with this style want connection deeply but fear it simultaneously.

Common patterns:

• unpredictable reactions

• push-pull cycles

• emotional overwhelm

• wanting closeness but fearing hurt

• difficulty trusting safe people

This style often comes from inconsistent or frightening early relationships.

The Gospel speaks directly to this pain:“Perfect love drives out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

If this is your pattern, you are not too broken to love or be loved.Your story is not finished.

Why the Assessment Measures One Relationship at a Time

Here’s something most people misunderstand: Attachment isn’t global. It's relational.

You can be:

• secure with your spouse

• avoidant with your father

• anxious with your boss

• disorganized with a close friend

Why?

Because attachment is based on safety, trust, and experience.Different relationships create different reactions in your nervous system.

This is why the Love Styles Assessment focuses on one relationship at a time—and why you should retake it for:

• your marriage

• your mother

• a past relationship

• your children

• a boss or mentor

• a close friend

Each will give you different data.

Understanding these patterns is a game-changer. And if you want to learn how to move toward secure attachment in each relationship,👉 Love Styles (the book) will guide you there. Grab it on Amazon HERE.

Why Attachment Matters for Christians

Attachment isn’t a replacement for Scripture—it confirms what Scripture has been teaching all along:

We were created for connection. Fear distorts connection. Jesus restores connection.

Attachment Theory gives language to the relational struggles we all experience. The Gospel gives us the power to heal them.

When you understand your Love Style, you gain:

• clarity

• compassion

• healthier relationships

• less shame

• better communication

• deeper emotional and spiritual growth

And that’s why I wrote Love Styles. Not to give you a label but to give you a pathway toward becoming secure, whole, healthy, and connected.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If your assessment result sparked something in you—if you want to understand your pattern, heal old wounds, and reshape how you love—

👉 Start your journey with Love Styles.

This book will make every relationship in your life make more sense.

And more importantly, it will show you how to grow into the person God created you to be.