"I'm not happy in this marriage." Sometimes that's an idictment on our spouse. But more often it's an indictment on both our spouse and oursevles. It's the latter point which many individuals never consider.
Marriage is supposed to be characterized by happiness. It's not the only aspect of marriage. That's an idea secular culture needs to remember. But it also isn't an isngificant matter when it comes to marriage. The Church needs to remember that.
I don't disagree with Gary Thomas when he says that marriage is more about holiness than happiness. Yet happiness does matter. We don't have to see the two as polar opposites. As a matter of fact, the Christian perspective would point to the conenction of the two. Jesus was both holy and happy.
But happiness isn't something we primarily get from marriage; it's something we primarily bring to marriage. When we find ourselves unhappy in marriage, our first question should always be about our individual selves then a consideration about the marriage, rather than just assuming something is wrong with the marriage.
Caveat: Notice, this (like everything I write) is proverbial truth. It's general truth in most situations, not gospel-truth releveant to every cicrumstance. If there is active addiction, abuse, or adultery in your relationship, you shouldn't be happy. And yes, that's something you can hold your spouse responsible for if they are the active addict, abuser, or adulterer.
Sometimes unhappiness in marriage is the fault of your spouse. But sometimes it's not. And more often than people realize, it's not. (See: I Just Want to Be Happy)
Individuals rarely realize that the happiness they expect to get from marriage is actually the happiness they are supposed to bring to marriage. When a husband and wife each individually bring their happiness into the relationship, the marriage is most often characterized by happiness and then becomes an additional source of happiness. Yet when both come into the relationship looking for it (and each other) to make them happy, they will rarely find it.
5 Questions to Ask Before Blaming Your Spouse For Your Unhappiness
Do I have a track record of happiness which fairly would assume happiness now? (Have you ever been happy?)
Am I living in a way which could reasonably lead to happiness?
Am I in a season of life in which I could fairly expect happiness?
Have we done the work in the past to expect happiness today?
Am I doing everything in my power to bring happiness into this marriage?
If the answer to any of these questions is "no," we likely cannot expect happiness in our marriage.
A person unhappy in singleness likely won't be happy in marriage.
If someone isn't sleeping, eating well, exercising, building friendships, etc. then marriage could be a struggle.
If one constantly doom scrolls social media, they won't be happy.
When grief is overwhelming or kids are demanding, happiness can be a struggle.
In most cases, the marriage you experience today is a byproduct of the work you did yesterday. If you weren't working on it then, you won't be happy today.
When looking to others to make us happy, we rarely will experience it.
Unhappiness in marriage is a warning flag. It doesn't mean the marriage is over, but it does mean something needs to be looked at. In most cases, the first look should always be ourselves. Each spouse should look at themselves regarding what they are doing to bring marriage into the relationship. If they are both doing their part, then they can look at the state of the relationship. But until you consider yourself, you shouldn't blame your husband or wife for failing to give you what you are actuallly supposed to give to them.
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