How to Interpret Your Scores from the Marriage Assessment

So you've taken the assessment. You know your scores. But now what?

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The first step is to recognize the point of the assessment. It's not guilt. It's not hopelessness. The Marriage Assessment is intended to provide a pathway for a better relationship, no matter the circumstance. For some, the news is difficult. It's not surprising, but your relationship is in trouble and you know it. Use the numbers to convince you to get the help you need. For others, the news might be surprising. With rare exceptions, every person who takes the assessment will find areas that need improvement and every couple will have places of disagreement. Use the information to have good conversation and move forward.

To get a better understanding of each statement from the Marriage Assessment, see below:

1. I regularly have my spouse's full attention and can easily get it when I need it.

2. My spouse is the first person I turn to in good times and bad. I can share my whole heart with them.

3. We have full access to each other's heart, mind, and soul.

4. My spouse is for me without any hesitation and cares about my sorrows, successes, joys, and fears.

5. My spouse listens to me and seeks to understand me.

6. We fully trust one another.

7. We regularly have fun together.

8. I am married to my best friend. I do not feel lonely in the relationship.

9. If I need reassurance from my partner, I can easily get it.

10. I'm convinced our marriage is headed in the right direction.

11. My spouse is fully invested in our relationship--mentally, physically, and emotionally.

12. My spouse is worthy of (and has my) full respect.

13. My spouse has good ideas and influences my thinking.

14. We push each other toward making our dreams come true.

15. My spouse is not lazy and does not act like a child in any aspect of life.

16. I feel fully respected by my spouse and know I come first with them.

17. Even when we disagree, I know we will find a workable solution and will reconnect quickly.

18. When I need my spouse, I can lean on them for reassurance and connection.

19. We are better together than we would be apart.

20. I am grateful for the life we are creating (or have created).

21. I feel completely safe with my spouse and can take emotional risks with him/her.

22. I do not feel used by my spouse.

23. We are growing in vulnerability with one another. I can talk to them about anything.

24. We freely discuss sex (what we like and dislike) with one another in a way that improves our experiences.

25. During the average month, we have an equal number of orgasms.

26. Our sex life is meaningful and adds to the overall health of our marriage.

27. We cuddle with each other often.

28. Addiction, abuse (physical, emotional, or verbal) or adultery are not active in our relationship.

29. Even when we are apart, we feel close and connected with one another.

30. Outside of sex, we touch each other every day to communicate our love.

A couple of suggestions regarding scoring and how to move forward:

47-50: this is an area of great strength. Give thanks for it.

40-47: this is still a strong area and maybe one conversation could improve your experience.

35-40: this is an area that clearly could use some growth. Read the articles, books, and consider reaching out for marriage coaching.

35 and below: there is significant work to be done. Use the number as a motivation to get to work.

The next step is to determine if you and your spouse can discuss the issues by yourselves or if you need help. If the scores are low enough, you probably need help. If in any area--friend, partner, or lover--you scored lower than 30, you likely need help in navigating the issues. For help in finding professional counseling, contact us at kt@kevinathompson.

For most couples, you can work through these issues as a couple. Be patient. Listen well. Speak kindly. But discuss the issues that came to light. Determine which statements created different answers, read (and watch) my explanation of why the statement matters, and then have a conversation. Allow each person to give their perspective on the issue. Gameplan ways to improve. Leave the conversation with each person having one concrete step to take in order to improve the relationship.

For some, you might be able to handle the situation on your own, but some coaching wouldn't hurt. At ChangeTheOdds, we are providing marriage coaching. To inquire about what is involved, message us at kt@kevinathompson.com.